In September of 2010, I was faced with a devastating decision. I was experiencing severe spinal stenosis and a fractured C6 vertebra, which my doctors believed was a result of complications due to my initial onset of transverse myelitis five years earlier. My decision was to have an emergency cervical fusion to address the problem before it became more complicated. At the time, my kids were only three and one years old and I was worried that if I didn’t have the surgery I wouldn’t be able to participate in their lives the way that I wanted too.
Fast forward to December of 2010, I was out of the neck brace and going through physical therapy. I was weak, tired and had lost a lot of weight. The surgery was another in a long string of MS events that rendered me in a depressed state. I didn’t want to see friends or family and had become a shell of my former self at the house. The blinking of Christmas lights and singing of carolers was not enough to get me in the Christmas spirit.
I was working at the hospital at the time and my practice manager was throwing a holiday party. She insisted that I be there. I was feeling like Ebenezer Scrooge and issued a, “Bah Humbug” at the thought of kibitzing with my coworkers (even though they were doctors, nurses and therapists). My wife convinced me to go to the holiday party and I parked myself in a chair by the fire pit in the back yard for a couple of hours. My coworkers brought me food, drink and merriment, but I still could not find the spirit.
Was this going to be the year I gave up on Christmas? Was this the year that MS had finally won the battle?
My parents flew into town just before Christmas. My dad is a great Italian chef and the familiar aromas of my grandmother’s recipes were not enough to snap me out of my funk. His food smelled and tasted like memories of Christmas past. Now, here I am, Tiny Tim wondering how long I could feign a smile despite the depression and ill feelings MS had saddled me with this holiday season. I went to bed believing that maybe I did deserve a lump of coal in my stocking.
Then it happened.
Christmas morning 2010, two wild-eyed and blonde-haired boys rounded the steps to see the gifts that Santa had left for them. Their spirit and enthusiasm sparked a flame inside me. I knew that no matter how bad I was feeling or wanting to give up that these two boys needed me to be there in the moment with them. So I donned my Santa hat and let them sit on my lap on the floor as they ripped open the wrapped Christmas presents with delight. It was then that I realized the true meaning of Christmas was to find joy and be thankful for my many blessings despite difficult times. Regardless of what holiday you celebrate, I hope your season is filled with hope, joy and love.
Happy holidays everyone and a happy New Year, from my family to yours!
**Originally posted by Matt Cavallo on MS Conversations at http://blog.mymsaa.org/finding-the-strength-to-fight-ms-for-the-holidays/**